Jack Frost
February 5, 1999

The Cute Kid Protagonist:
"C'mon, you know what it's like not to have a father."

The Cute Kid's Former Nemesis:
"Yeah, it sucks. It sucks real bad. Snow dad is better than no dad."

Ooch. I really don't want to review this movie. What kind of person am I to go see a sappy Michael Keaton vehicle? What am I becoming?! Well, it was between this movie and The Waterboy, so things could have been worse.

I'll relate a few tidbits, but I must defer judgment on the film to the young kid who was sitting in front of me. Jack Frost turned out to be a kid's movie, and the kid in front of me was clapping at the end, so there's your intended audience giving the thumbs-up.

Still, I can poke a little fun. Michael Keaton plays the lead singer of an up-and-coming-bland-white-roots-rock band. Not only does he sing, but he wails on the harmonica. Well, not so much wail as move it back and forth across his face.

That's actually Keaton's voice on the two "live" songs we see during the film, one of them being a bonecrunching rendition of "Frosty the Snowman". Not since Bruce Willis' album The Return of Bruno has a pasty-faced, balding celebrity been infused with such soul. Can I get an Amen?

Keaton has a few tender moments with his wife (Kelly Preston) early on, before his necessary death in a car crash. She says to him (more than once), "Sing me a smile." He then proceeds to sing "Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you..." I don't remember who originally did this chokey 1980's hit; I think it's best I don't try to recall. But was it Paul Young? Sounds right to me.

Hey kids, Henry Rollins makes a rather stupid appearance in the film as a hockey coach. Rock on, Henry! One more role and you'll have more cameos than Gary Busey.

Jack Frost the man dies about a third of the way into the film, then gets summoned back as a snowman when his son plays a "magic harmonica." Okay, it's a kid movie, whatever. But he looks more like a lump of sugar-coated dough than like a snowman, or more accurately, a computer-animated lump of sugar dough.

Hm, I'm going to cut this review short. I think I'll go outside and punch a snowman. Peace Out!

See you at the movies. Save me the unstained seat.